Wednesday, September 4, 2013


              It has been two days since I found out. And in those two days I have learned a lot, cried a lot, and slept. A lot. I have felt heartbreak I don't think I have ever felt and never want to feel again. I have broken down over literal spilled milk, missing socks, and bad puns. I have felt a connection with a group of people I hardly know because we feel the same pain, and I have been angry. Very, very angry. I have written in my journal multiple times a day. The first day I asked God, "how DARE you take away someone who had so much left to live? How DARE you take away someone who I wasn't ready to say goodbye to? How could you let someone come into my life and make me feel so happy and be the sister I wanted and the friend I needed and then just take them away? How DARE you?" I've gone through the it should have been me's and the breakdowns in the shower and every time I see someone mention her on facebook or I read about it on a news website or I hear someone talking about her it all begins again. Because I am not ready to let go of Carissa. No one is. She was a bright light in our lives. She was headstrong, argumentative, and sometimes downright annoying but that girl knew how to put a smile on your face, and exactly what to say to make anyone feel better. She had this beautiful smile. She hated her smile, but it was gorgeous. She had dreams. She had plans for the future. She was full of life, and love, and she was such a wonderful human being. And that is how I'll always remember her.
      And that is one of the things that is helping me through all this. Is that I have all these wonderful memories with Carissa. Like, the first night we met. Adam introduced me to her. She came over and we just - started talking. We walked up to Motel Nicholas where she used to live with her mother, and made smoothies, then we went back down to my house and just sat in my room doing random stuff and playing games on her little pink laptop. Carissa loved that little pink laptop. It hardly worked and always had some virus or another but it was her baby. At the end of the night, which was about two or three in the morning she looked up at me and said "dude, you're awesome" and we were friends after that. And we continued to hang out, going running, which was actually us walking very slowly from her house to mine and talking about cute boys, going to the spot and watching the sun rise and set, driving to Spokane and going shopping, doing cheer together, playing wii together, and so much more, for five years. And sure, we fought. Over some pretty stupid stuff, too. But we were always friends at the end of it. And one day Carissa declared us sisters. And I never even tried to think of anything different to define our relationship because it was true. I loved her like a sister and I would have done anything for her.
Mariah T. And Stefanie Z-M got these tattoos. 
        I have been racking my brains trying to think of some way to pay tribute to my sister. And I can't think of  anything. Nothing will ever be as great as the memories I have with her. And I know that all she would ever care about is that I get up off the ground and stop crying. Because when she used to see me cry, she would get this super worried expression on her face. I didn't cry, I was supposed to dry her tears. She hated to see me cry because then it meant that something was very, very wrong. And I feel like she is up in Heaven giving me that same worried expression and tapping me on the shoulder with her manicured nails saying "it's all right, Lex". She was so easy to talk to about everything that was going on. We could go back and forth for hours, just talking about all our troubles in life and never ever feel bored. We could even sit in silence and it was still the best time, because we were just comfortable around each other. Carissa was the girl you weren't afraid to cry in front of or talk to because she probably would tell you something equally as bad or cry with you. She gave amazing hugs.
     Carissa was loved by almost everyone she came in contact with. And the ones that she loved hardest and the most are feeling the loss down to their very soul. I know because I'm one of them. I am just a girl who lost her friend. I cannot imagine what it is like to be Rebecca, or Adam, parents who have not lost one child, but two, or Shandara, who has lost both of her older siblings now, or any of the other members of Carissa's family. But just now that I am hurting for all of you as well. I am sorry that this had to happen to Carissa, I am sorry she was taken away from her family. I am so very sorry that such a beautiful being was taken from this Earth. 

Rest in Peace, Carissa. We all miss you. 


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