Monday, March 7, 2016

I Miss You

I miss my sister so much. And I can't escape it. I thought I was okay, but its almost been three years and it still hurts every time I hear her name. And every day she's in some flashback post on my Facebook timeline, and holy shit it hurts like hell.

I thought that I could heal. It feels like this is all some bad dream. But it isn't I'm still here on my couch crying over her pictures and she still isn't here, and she's still gone, and she still isn't coming back. And how is that fair? She said she would always be here. She PROMISED. She promised. And she's not here. You can't just leave people. You CAN'T. You're not supposed to. What am I supposed to do with myself now that she's not here? I've been asking myself that for three fucking years.

If Carissa was here today would she be proud of me? Would she still see value in me? I know she would. I hope she would. She always told me how proud she was of me, just for being me. She never forgot to call me on my birthday. We always got each other presents, and made each other stupid cards. One time we quit talking for two months and after we worked everything out, we cried. Because you don't just stop talking to the one person who will never leave your side. It hurts too much.

I spent my summers with her, laughing until we cried, crying until we started laughing, laying in a shared bedroom laughing about boys, about life, about how dumb some people just are. I lived vicariously through the situations she got herself into, and she tried to help me be less socially awkward. And you know something? She gave the best hugs. And when she was just being herself, she was so funny. So funny. She had a song for every situation, and a smile that lit up a room. She was never afraid to just be weird with me, or laugh with me, or wrestle me for a pair of sandals. She came to all my plays, and I helped her with homework so she could graduate. And I was so proud of her. I have never been more proud of someone than when I watched her get her diploma. That's my friend, that's my friend who could have slipped through the cracks and she didn't. She fought for this. And she fucking did it.

I never pictured a life without Carissa in it. She gave me the greatest five years I could possibly imagine. And I would do almost anything to be able to see her one more time. To hold her and hear her laugh, and hear about her day, watch her tell a story, see her come through the door with her pink laptop. There was so much I wanted to do with her. And now. Now I never will. And that hurts, it hurts so god damn bad.

The One, The Only, The Real CA <3


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