Tuesday, March 22, 2016

For the Love Of Being a Mess.

As mentioned many times before, I always figured I would have it all figured out by now. I had this pre-made road map for my life that planned all out. And since that plan kind of went to shit, I have been lamenting my ruination.

But recently I have changed my tune. It is time to embrace not having it all together. It is time to embrace taking longer to figure stuff out about myself. It is time to realize that I am not a failure for not making Plan A work.

So this is me, celebrating the fact that I am a 22 year old and I am a mess 95% of the time. I go out on nights when I shouldn't and stay out way too late. I dance like a fool and drink too much and don't hydrate enough. I procrastinate important things, like taking care of myself, in favor of having fun, or hanging out with friends, or sleeping on the couch snuggling with my cat.

Many times I buy clothes and not groceries, or laundry soap, or video games, or coffee. Usually coffee. I put a lot of importance on theatre and cheer and leave my boyfriend out in the cold sometimes. Then I get angry when he says he doesn't feel important. But that's not his fault, because I fill my time with all this crazy stuff like three cheer squads at once and come home to eat and sleep.

I have not gone back to college, despite promising myself only one year off, and I haven't left Omak, even though I swear every calendar year that it is going to happen. I  once saved a ton of money that could have paid for a quarter at WVC, and went to DC and NYC instead.

I do not regret any decisions that I have made thus far. I have learned so much about myself while I've been on this crazy journey that I can't imagine my life being any different and being this happy. I
don't have my dream job, and I'm not in my dream home with my dream guy, but I've got the guy so I'm like a third of the way there.

What I've recently realized I guess, is that I don't need to change myself. I know that I should go back to school, and move away and become successful. But I also know that I am so happy right now, going out and dancing with my friends until my feet ache, and singing along until my voice goes raw. I love that three nights a week I go to rehearsal and get irritated, get happy, get enriched and come home exhausted. I love that all my friends think its ridiculous that I love Bloody Mary's before midnight and after brunch. Point being, I have a GREAT life. So why do I constantly convince myself that it is anything but?

Let's learn to embrace our messy lives, full of mistakes and lessons learned, sometimes the hard way, with laughter and joy and open arms. Here's to being a 20 something who doesn't have it together. May we eventually figure it out.


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