Tuesday, May 6, 2014

I Am Not a Failure

I am going to warn you in advance I'm posting this from my phone, therefore the words and grammar and such may be wonky. I'll fix it later. 

Sometimes I feel like a complete failure. I look at my life and what I've accomplished so far and I feel awful about myself. I haven't gone back to college yet, I've never done anything astounding with any of my talents, and right now my goal in life is to pay the bills. I mean, I have dreams, but sometimes I think that everything I've ever wanted is just going to be a dream. I feel like I'm going to be a small town nobody. Because this is one of my biggest fears, I think about it constantly. 

But at times like these someone usually comes along and makes me feel better about the situation. But recently, I grew up (I know, right?). And I have discovered that sometimes you have to be your own best friend, your own shoulder to cry on, and your own inspiration. 

So whenever I start to feel like a failure I remember a laundry list of reasons why I'm the exact opposite. 

When I was 13, I reported my mother for child abuse and saved myself and my brothers from a life of terror. 
Until I was 13 I played mother to my two you get brothers and made sure they were on the bus everyday for school. I taught one of them to read. I did the cooking most nights. I did all the cleaning. I played parent to myself. I made sure that my homework and my brothers got done before we went to bed, I made up all homework that I missed from being forced to stay home and take care of my brothers.
A little girl told me once she wanted to grow up and be like me, and as much as that scares me, someone saw something in me that they wanted to emulate forever . 
I have never been turned down for a job. 
I make all my money and pay all my bills alone. I paid for the schooling I did receive and I pay for the student loans leftover from that year. 
I have beautiful eyes that light up when I smile and people tell me that my smile makes them want to smile, too. 
I'm a damn good writer. 

I feel that everyone needs to know that they are not a failure. Even if you're not where you want to be in life, you are amazing and even though we are taking the road less traveled to our dreams, we will make it. I swear. We are amazing, reader, and we are inspirational, even if we are only inspirational to ourselves. I inspire me to be a good person. 13 year old me did everything she could to be a successful human being, I refuse to let that little girl down. 

I am not a failure and in the dark nights where I sit and think I am, I'm going to look back on this post and remember that I am indeed an okay human with a future as bright as I want it to be. 

Alexis Olmstead is a full time diva and a part time waitress. She is currently starring in OVOC's "Wizard of Oz" as Dorothy while trying to get to the other side of her personal rainbow. 


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