Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Getting To Know Me

I've gone through a lot of phases in my life, and sadly, most of them have been in an attempt to fit in with people. Because for a long time all I cared about was being included. I know I preach a lot of individuality proverbs, but it is because I took a long time to figure that out for myself. Sometimes I think it was easier to be in 7th grade with a solid group of four friends so I didn't have to try to fit in with so many people in so many circles.

I've always told people that I pride myself on staying true to me, but that hasn't always been the case. I've been an extreme socialite, I've been the class flirt, I've been the teachers pet, I've been the funny girl, the mean girl, the extrovert. And while I may be some of these things to a certain degree, telling the world that I am absolutely any of these things isn't exactly true.

It is time I became fully aware of my true self. And while I may be a far way off from fully developing as a complete being and adult (come on guys, I'm only 20), I can aid in the process so as not to delay it any longer.

Who am I?

I am someone who sits alone in their room and crochets coffee cozies while binge watching Netflix because it seems like more fun than putting effort into small talk with an acquaintance. I hate small talk. It terrifies me. Because I hate small talk I am often awkward. There is nothing wrong with being awkward or not liking small talk. It is a sign of the introvert. Also, in case anyone was confused, I am actually an introvert. I am REALLY bad at flirting. I used to pretend I was good at it, but no, let's face it. I'm awful at it. I told a guy the other day that when I was famous he could be my butler. I was so embarrassed I escaped as soon as possible. I practice jokes in the mirror so I don't stutter when I deliver them. I constantly fear that people won't like me because I'm kind of weird. I love to write. I love words. I love that words can be made into something beautiful, and don't think it is fair that not everyone is good at writing. I believe that writing is the most amazing form of self expression there is. I love reading. I used to read three books a week. I used to try to read three books at a time, even. I stopped reading three books a week because someone made fun of me in middle school for being a book worm. You don't think words have lasting effects? Tell that to 13 year old me. I cry really easily, especially in stressful situations. I stress out really easily. I mean, REALLY easily. I get over things pretty quickly, but I'll stress about them for at least five minutes first. I am a survivor of child abuse and hate to see children hurting in any way. I don't like to be touched unless I initiate the contact. I'm not really that mean, I'm just too witty for my own good and I hate to be called stupid. Seriously. For some reason that is what people attack first. They never go after the way I look or how I talk or how I dress, they jump to how dumb I am, and I am so proud of my intelligence and my capabilities in the world of education that I get insulted super easily. In fact, most of the reasons I tell people off is because they have called me stupid or talked down to me. I refuse to let people talk badly about my friends or family. I have a big vocabulary and I am not afraid to fight with words in order to protect their honor. I'm the baby of the family, I'm a grandma's girl, and sometimes I get really lonely and sad. I want all the attention all of the time but also I really want to be left alone. It is a tough predicament. I love the smell of rain and the way grass smells after it has been cut and the sound of my friends laughing. I like giving gifts and I hate opening things in front of people because I don't know how to react. I am afraid that I will let people down and they will give up on me. I am afraid I will end up like my mother. I know I won't, but it is still a fear that I have. Sometimes I am so angry about the way I am treated because I am a woman that I literally cry. I think Femi-Nazi should be a dirty word. People used to tell me that I reminded them of my missing father so much that I tried to become him. I am not my father. I'm just his daughter. I can usually find humour in most situations, because if we don't laugh at ourselves how will we survive? I started a clothing donation project purely because I saw a girl at a choir concert look embarrassed in her sweat pants and I went home that night, knowing exactly how she felt and cried, then vowed to make a difference. I am happy, most of the time. I may have a somewhat bitchy looking face, but I love laughing, and being joyful, and enjoying life. I might be a little crazy, and I might be a little weird, and I might be an introvert, but I am a wonderful person.

I am Alexis Marie Olmstead and I refuse to try to be anyone else any longer.


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