Boys

When it comes to boys I generally think of them in terms of failures and successes. Like, the last thing that happened was a failure. Of epic proportions. For me because I was dropping levels to be with someone that didn’t make me happy and who didn’t really deserve me, and for him because there was no way in hell he would ever land a girl like me.

I mean, he couldn’t even spell intelligent, much less actually embody the word. 

Right now I’m in a success. Not only because everyday I wake up with the knowledge that even though I could live without my current boyfriend and he could live without me, we don’t want to. That finally we took the step that made us happiest. I mean seriously, I’ve been waiting for someone like him for awhile. But at the same time, how often do our supposed successes turn to failures?

When will this boy turn into one of the very same failures that has left a mark on my heart? When will we exit the zone of bliss and enter one of futility? I’m worried about it. I’m worried that somewhere down the road I’ll be just a marker for him, and he’ll be another heartache for me.

I’m no stranger to heartache, and not very much of it is boy related, I like to close boys off from my heart, in fact. My rule is to not let anyone in, because then you don’t  get hurt. But once you start showing people how to climb over the wall you’ve built around yourself, random people are in the garden stealing lettuce and you have nothing for your salad, and it’s all gone to shit.

And there’s nothing worse than people stealing your lettuce, or your dignity, aside from a clumsy fairy tale reference (so I apologize). 

I used to look up to Disney Princesses because I figured falling in love would be this really simple process that every child appropriate adaptation of a fairy tale had shown me. According to nightly story time all I had to do was look beautiful, have a good singing voice, have long hair, and wait for Prince Charming to show up. Oh, and once he did show up, it would be love at first sight, and we’d get married and have a million pretty babies and live happily ever after.

Thankfully, I’ve come to terms with reality, and I know that if I want to find a Prince Charming (if there is even such a thing) I won’t be able to do it just sitting around in my tower. Oh, and if you wanna know what my take is on the whole Happily Ever After thing, read my very cynical Pantoum about it, entitled “So Much For a Happy Ending”.

But unfortunately the road to “Happily Ever After” or as I see it, “Happily Ever After Until It’s No Longer Convenient” is a long one filled with tears and occasionally laughter. I mean, there’s the first kiss, and the first time, and the first heartbreak and the first boy that asks you to a dance, and the first PDA violation at school and all those other important firsts that all eventually lead to a girl sitting alone in her room eating Ben and Jerry’s with a spoon and listening to “Teardrops on My Guitar” because Ben & Jerry are the only two men that will never break a woman’s heart and Taylor Swift is like, the expert on heartbreak and break-up. 

Because for every failure, there is a success. What started out good, ended bad. Conversely the statement is false, because Not all success leads to failure. But where boys and dating are concerned, there is at least a 35% chance of heartbreak. Now I just made that number up, but it’s true to a degree.

And what’s really irritating is that the number goes up if the girl is intelligent. Bimbos get all the boys. Pretty, stupid girls get boys because intelligence THREATENS men. They lose control if the girl is smarter. You can’t control a girl who can outwit you. Girls in high school are almost FORCED to dumb themselves down to get a boyfriend. Because they refuse to accept that we love learning. Being smart is fun. It means we don’t have to giggle flirtatiously while simultaneously consuming a sucker and twirling a pigtail around one of our fingers and batting our eyelashes in  order to pass Spanish.  Smart girls know that they don’t NEED a boy, but we DO like the attention, and most boys, especially the cute jock in Trig won’t give smart girls the time of day. And what’s worse is that smart girls think they can’t get boys because they aren’t pretty enough.

Untrue. 

Boys in high school (I’m speaking generally here) don’t appreciate smart girls and don’t pursue them because they might look dumb. I mean, the quarterback of the football team cannot be bested in Math by Susie. That would just be social suicide. And then to date her?!? Mind = blow. (read: sarcastic)

My advice? Wait to date until college. Smart boys. Smart jocks. And smart girls are appreciated. For the most part. Also, don’t wait for your Prince, go out and find him. Then when you get to his house, kick the door, swag on in and proclaim that he’s gonna love you and like it. And then proceed to romantically go on your first date. 

And make you sure Ben, Jerry, and T. Swifty are at home waiting for you in case that doesn’t work out.