I was the idiot who didn't see that it was true. We weren't good for each other. Or maybe I did see it. But I stayed because I wanted to feel the way I felt whenever he hugged me, or whenever we had a brief good moment. I wanted to feel warm, and loved. Because of where I'm at in life, I felt like I NEEDED to feel loved by a man to move forward and be okay.
I deluded myself into thinking I couldn't survive without someone, someone who continually told me that I should learn to be more independent. I was independent for a long time. I failed at it. I fail at most things. Our relationship got weird and awkward and ugly because for months now I've been in constant crisis. I've needed so much support that one person alone could not provide. And I asked for too much. I needed to build a circle of people, a circle pretty much already formed, but I relied so heavily on him that he just couldn't take it anymore.
But I told him. I told him someday he would get tired of me. He would get tired of all the crying and the emergencies and the meltdowns and the panic attacks. He would get tired of me always being depressed, always needing attention, always overthinking, always worrying. And he told me he wouldn't let that happen. That he would ALWAYS be there. And now he's literally non-existent in my life and I feel SO alone.
I'm okay for a little bit and then something makes me remember. Something reminds me of all our jokes, or one of "our" songs play. Or I see a late night tv sketch that I want to show him, because I always saved up funny videos to show him on road trips. Or I start thinking. And the thinking brings the self-blaming. It's my fault no one loves me. It's my fault everyone leaves. It's my fault that I'm a toxic force in so many people's lives. Some of its true. Most of its not.
Right now I wish I could call him, tell him that I'm sorry. That I know he wants us to not talk until all the wounds have healed and the scars have faded, but to apologize for the itemized list I have of all the shit I think made him leave. I can't stop crying. I can't stop fixating. I can't stop thinking about him replacing me.
I am so broken. I know this is necessary. Sometimes you love someone but being around them holds you back. He keeps me from recovering fully because I rely on him too much to support me, and I'm afraid if I'm not sick he won't have a reason to stay. But honestly, he would probably still be here if I wasn't SO sick. I need to recover and become my best self. He needs to get his life together. This is big adult breakup with a lot of closure on his end, and zero on mine. But it hurts.
I loved him. I loved him so much as a friend, as a confidante, as something more. He was sunshine. He was the way you feel when you crawl under all your blankets on a cold night. He never failed to put a smile on my face.
But he loved me different, and he loved me less. So here we are.
Him, living his life, unfettered by the heartbreak I'm experiencing about all this. And me, not even able to currently leave the house because I'm so volatile and likely to melt into a puddle of tears.
I'll get over it. Just not for a while.
 |
| Photo by Cheyanne Sharpe |
Alexis Olmstead is a 20something ball of emotions living in Bellingham, WA. When she's not crying or binge watching Forensic Files, she's working on her new series, "Alexis Is Alone", available to view on Instagram. For more updates on life, her mental health journey, and anything else she finds worthy of writing about, check back sporadically.
0 comments:
Post a Comment