As Seen On TV

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is my favorite binge-worthy show not produced by Netflix. As a lover of musical theatre and all things big, bright, and dramatic, this show is right up my alley. If you haven't seen Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and have thought of starting to watch it, please leave and watch all episodes out right now, and then come back to this post. I'd hate to ruin anything for you. Same goes for any current viewers who haven't seen the latest episode. Because that's all this post is about today.

If you're never going to watch a music sitcom (uhm, who are you? please do it), you need some context. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend follows the life of Rebecca Bunch, a Yale/Harvard Law Graduate who leaves her big practice in NYC to relocate to West Covina, California to find her happiness, NOT to get back with her drama camp boyfriend from years ago, Josh Chan. So she gets a job at a law firm, dumps all her depression and anxiety meds, and goes about getting the man of her dreams. It all goes wrong, at the end of season 2 he leaves her at the alter to become a priest, and sends her into a mental health spiral in season 3. It is a light hearted show with lots of original musical numbers, amazing, relatable characters, and a story line that could go on for seasons.

The latest episode ended with Rebecca attempting suicide. And I want to thank the creators of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Rachel Bloom and Aline Brosh McKenna, for this episode, especially Rachel Bloom for depicting the journey to a suicide attempt so beautifully and accurately. As someone who has attempted suicide and sometimes just lives in the zone of "suicidal but don't want to die", this episode highlighted a struggle I personally could connect to more than I would have wished to.

Watching Rebecca pull those pills out of her pocket, look at them, and form the idea to overdose, was a completely silent few seconds that felt like minutes. I remembered that feeling. Pouring the pills out, feeling how they tumble onto your hands, knowing that's a lot of drugs and its going to mess you up. But then not caring. Because you want to be messed up. You want to be so messed up that you die. You swallow them all before you can change your mind. You have to act on the impulse before you get too scared. That's always the thing about it for me, is that I know overdosing is a bad idea, I know suicide will do more harm than good in the world, but I'm hurting and I don't have anywhere to turn.

You know I have somewhere to turn, reader. I know right now I have MANY places to turn. But in those moments, always in those moments, I forget I have people to run to, people who love me. In my mind they are all pretending. They feel sorry for me, they actually hate me and are just pretending, if I go back a failure they'll all ridicule me....my brain is an asshole when it comes to making up reasons not to get help when I'm low. From the episode it is supremely evident that many people will miss Rebecca if she is gone. It is evident in my life that I will be missed as well. But sometimes, my brain wins. Sometimes, it puts blinders on me and tells me I've been deluding myself into feeling loved by my circle. I could tell that's how Rebecca felt in this episode, too.

This episode was a gift. I know I have friends who struggle with suicidal feelings as well, but I've never seen a journey to the darkness that is acting on your suicidal ideations from an outsiders perspective before. I recognized so much of it. The insomnia and then sleeping all day. The loss of appetite. The refusal to trust others. The isolation of oneself. I recognized, and I understood, and in turn, felt that someone out there got it, and that's all I've wanted for longer than I can remember. Is someone to get it. Someone to know how all of this feels. Because none of what I feel is good when I'm in a depressive low.

But there is always hope. The episode closes with Rebecca holding up an empty pill bottle and asking for help. There is a beautiful moment where the call button above her seat on the plane she's on, which says help, suddenly turns to the word hope, and that's when Rebecca pushes it. She's foggy from the pills, she knows she's in trouble, she sees a stranger with a friendly face (a very sweet flight attendant) and asks for help. She has hope. She doesn't actually want to die.

That moment was a revelation for me. I've never fully wanted to die. I don't want my whole body to die. I just want the "bad" parts of me to be gone. The parts that are depressed, and anxious, and the parts that assume everyone is going to leave me, the parts of me that hate myself, the parts of me that tell me that I'm going to die alone and friendless. I want the voice that second guesses every good thing I do, to be dead. I've always kind of hoped there was a way to kill that part of me (I know, go to therapy and get back on your meds), and I think that's why I've always ended up in a hospital. Because I realize that you can't just kill parts of yourself. You have to fix them.

This weeks episode of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend gave me something to connect to. I saw the events of my recent past play out, and I didn't lose any love for Rebecca, which made me realize that if I could still love and appreciate a fictional character, than my very real friends and family are still going to love and appreciate me, even when I'm broken. The love doesn't go away.

Thank you, Rachel Bloom. This show is a gift.

Alexis Olmstead is a 20something part time retail worker, full time diva, living and working in Bellingham, WA. When she's not working or sleeping, Alexis is working on her first photography series, Alexis Is Alone. For more updates, rants, raves, and letters from the road to mental health recovery, check back sporadically.

You are loved, there is hope. Keep moving forward. 

My Love for Modern Family

As always I've arrived as a late member to a bandwagon, but recently I have developed a particular love for the abc series "Modern Family", a mockumentary style television show that presents the lives of members of an extended family in modern times.

While the show features nuclear families, which are becoming not so modern, there is a gay couple, Cameron and Mitchell and their adopted daughter Lily, who just might be my favorite character, and then there is Jay, who is on his second marriage to a younger woman who brings her son, Manny. The other family, Phil and Claire, are the most "normal" family of the bunch, having one man and one woman of the same age, but that's where the normality ends, as is true with most families. Jay is the father of Mitch and Claire, so as I said, they are all one extended family.

Each episode has excellent humour, writing, and the actors are all superb, even with the ridiculous story lines they are given, time after time. I'm not saying ridiculous is bad, either. I mean, how often do you get to see a man dressed in a costume from Cats sitting in a tree, protesting it's removal? But then there is something to learn in it all, whether it is the importance of loving your children even though they get kicked out of college, or the hardships of raising a child being worth it all, the end of every episode is one giant sigh of happiness, as you watch these characters grow. Honestly, at the end of every single episode I have happy tears in my eyes.

There are other things I admire about the show too. As I said before, the show features a gay couple and their adopted child. Because Modern Family is a comedy it would have been easy for the writers to make a mockery of Cameron and Mitchell, have them be overly flamboyant and live up to every homosexual stereotype in the book. However, they did not. Cameron and Mitchell are portrayed very realistically, as two normal people who happen to be attracted to be people of the same gender, and that is great. Because the gay best friend or the flamboyant gay man/couple trope is getting real old, real quick.

And the writing. The writing is great. The show is so...quotable! There are cute, heartfelt lines, but really this show is around to make people laugh, and the writers do an excellent job of ensuring that happens. In the last episode I watched, Haley stated that "Elle Woods won her case in Legally Blonde because she was true to herself and looked cute." to which her father replied, "This is about a serious issue, not an excellent movie". Or when Gloria, angrily says, "I'm not a hothead, I'm a Colombian. I'm excited, our entire country is covered in coffee beans!" The banter is witty, without being malicious, and the script does an excellent job of showing growth in characters across the seasons.

My point here would be to go watch Modern Family, because hopefully you'll love it as much as I do. If you're a fan of Parks & Rec or The Office, Modern Family employs the same single camera shooting style and the same mockumentary format, so it's a safe bet that you'll like this show as well. Till next time!

Alexis Olmstead has recently turned into a part time hostess and a full time cat lady/servant. If you don't believe her on the cat servant part, meet Rifka, the princess of the couch, also known as Alexis' master. For more random reviews, rants, and thoughts, check back every few days or so.

The 85th Annual Academy Awards: The Oscars

Every year around this time a wonderful season known in Hollywood as "award season" happens, the highlight being The Oscars. This year, just like every year, had its ups and downs, and I, Alexis, aim to bring you all the details on what happened, along with some snarky/witty commentary because I am in no way unbiased.

Where shall we start? Hmm...let's start with the host. This years host was Seth MacFarlane, famous for creating Family Guy, providing the voice of Ted, and after tonight, being the worst host of an Academy Awards show since James Franco and Anne Hathaway in 2011 which is saying something since it takes a lot for me to even dream of criticizing Anne Hathaway. But Seth MacFarlane definitely took the cake because if I didn't know he was a complete misogynist before tonight I sure know it now! I don't have time to make a list of his super sexist jokes, but lucky for me, The Vulture already did it! His hosting had me wondering the same thing that William Shatner asked in his completely cheesy Star Trek appearance: "Why can't Tina and Amy host everything?"

Moving on, I guess you guys want to know about the people who won and stuff. Obviously I haven't seen all the winning (or nominated films) but I'll do my best with this. Okay here goes!

You thought I was kidding, didn't you. 

In the category of Best Picture, "Argo", directed by Ben Affleck, took home an Oscar which was accepted by The Beard Band as I like to call them. You may call them Grant Heslov, Ben Affleck, and George Clooney.

In case you didn't know, "Argo" is a film about a fake film. More specifically it's about the Iranian Hostage Crisis back in the 70's(?) and from what I hear and have seen in previews it is absolutely fantastic. "Argo" also picked up awards in Best Film Editing and Best Adapted Screenplay.

Daniel Day-Lewis made history as the only actor in his generation (and his generation includes Marlin Brando) to pick up three Oscars in his lifetime when he won the Best Lead Actor Oscar for his role as Abraham Lincoln in "Lincoln" (Directed by Steven Spielberg). I was completely happy with this decision because the person I would have wanted to win, Suraj Sharma, who played the title character in Life of Pi, wasn't even nominated. But I digress. Anyways, I'm completely okay with Day-Lewis's win, but not with his speech. I personally think he missed a golden opportunity to use the phrase "four score and seven years ago..." as the opener to his acceptance speech. I mean come on, Daniel. You played the guy, how did you hold that back? "Lincoln" also received the Oscar for Best Production Design.

In other slightly more important news (at least in my book) Meryl Streep presented the award for Best Actor in a Lead Role and with that won Best Presenter as she was the only presenter all night who didn't fumble with the envelope. Further proof that whatever Meryl does, she is the best at.

And then comes one of two awards no one knew who was going to win. Best Actress in a Lead Role. There were two actresses who were head and shoulders above the rest of the nominees, nine year old Quvenzhane Wallis (kwah-venn-ja-nay) for her work as Hush Puppy in "Beasts of the Southern Wild" (directed by Benh Zeitlin) and twenty two year old Jennifer Lawrence for her work as Tiffany in Silver Linings Playbook (directed by David O. Russell). From what I hear Quvenzhane has maturity beyond her years when it comes to acting and Jennifer Lawrence is what I just call a "damn good actress". JLaw won the award and possibly the most memorable moment of the night when she fell on the stairs as she went to accept the award. That's not emotion in the photo, Lawrence, ever so quirky is embarrassed because, well, wouldn't you be? She later followed with the statement "you guys aren't all standing up because I won, you're standing up because I fell and that's embarrassing." You doll.

However, if you're sad that Quvenzhane didn't win, don't despair. She picked up the award for Best Young Actress of the Year and looked adorable tonight. So there's that. Here's hoping we see much more of young Wallis in the future and that the general public learns to pronounce her name because as she told a reporter tonight "my name's not Annie".

Anyone see "Django Unchained"? Okay well a bunch of you did. I'm not stupid. Tarantino's newest film started out the night winning an Oscar for the Best Actor in a Supporting Role. Well actually, Christopher Waltz did. Later on in the night Quentin Tarantino picked up an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. Too bad Leonardo DiCaprio didn't get anything, but then again, that's a normal thing for him.

And the second most anticipated award of the night came in the category of Best Actress in a Supporting Role, a category that was jam packed with female powerhouses like Sally Field, who played Mary Todd Lincoln in "Lincoln" but many remember affectionately as the Flying Nun, Amy Adams ("The Master"), Anne Hathaway ("Les Miserables"), Helen Hunt ("The Sessions"), and Jacki Weaver ("Silver Linings Playbook"). Normally it is easy to discern who will take home the Oscar by the number of Pre-Oscar awards they win. However, in that category the actresses were tied. So...everyone held their breath until Anne Hathaway won for her brilliant and heartbreaking rendition of Fantine in "Les Miserables". It is no secret that Anne Hathaway is my God when it comes to acting so I was more than overjoyed. Perhaps over-overjoyed would be the correct term?  "Les Miserables" also picked up Oscars in Make Up and Hairstyling (honestly I don't know they beat out "The Hobbit"), and Sound Mixing.

Big news for "Brave" fans everywhere, "Brave" won the Oscar for Best Animated Feature Film and what a deserved victory! Honestly I don't know where to start when talking about how amazing that movie is, but I'd just like to point out that the animators created an entire new program in order to animate Meridia's hair so that it moved realistically. And then the Disney people show up to The Oscars in kilts.

"Brave" beat out "Frankenweenie", "ParaNorman", "The Pirates! Band of Misfits", and "Wreck-It Ralph".

The cinematography award went to "Life of Pi" which is really no surprise to anyone who has the visual pleasure of seeing this masterpiece of a movie. Claudio Miranda, who was the person who was in charge of that, took everything that I ever imagined when I read "Life of Pi" (By Yann Martel if you want to check it out) and painted it beautifully on the silver screen. Never in my life have I seen something so beautiful and hopefully I go to the movies and come out saying how gorgeous everything was after I leave the theater again. Seriously kids. Go see "Life of Pi". "Life of Pi" also won Oscars for best Director, Ang Lee, who was quoted as saying "thank the movie Gods", best Original Score, which I mean, thank you so much Mycheal Danna, and Best Visual Effects (Spoiler: there's a glowing whale!)

Other Awards:
Costume Design: "Anna Karenina"
Documentary Feature: "Searching For Sugar Man"
Documentary Short: "Inocente"
Foreign Language Film: "Amour"
Best Original Song: "Skyfall" by Adele from "Skyfall". "Skyfall" also won the Oscar for "Best Sound Editing".
Best Sound Editing: Also Awarded to "Zero Dark Thirty"
Animated Short Film: "Paperman"
Live Action Short Film: "Curfew"

And then what made my whole night more than anything came. Aaron Tveit walked out on the stage.
I mean - the cast of "Les Miserables" performed "One Day More" and it was amazing. I mean seriously, astounding, you think "One Day More" is good in the movie, then watch it live. Not like it sounds any different because they live sang "Les Mis", but seriously, this is beautiful. And again, Aaron Tveit.

That One Time "Fresh Prince" Made Me Cry

It is no secret that I grew up living with my grandmother, who I love and who loves me more than anything. For most of my life my grandma has been my best friend. But at the same time, growing up with her meant I had to grow up without my parents, and very recently it hit me that this fact that I had kind of brushed off for a very long time really hurt. It hurts that people talk about what jobs their parents have and I can't do that. That most girls I know will be given away by their fathers at their weddings and I won't, little things that shouldn't matter, really do, and it is way more painful than I thought it would be, coming to terms with this fact.

What does Fresh Prince have to do with this? There is an episode where Will's dad comes back and then leaves him again at the end of the episode. Which prompts this:

"You know what, Uncle Phil? I'm gonna get through college without him, I'm gonna great job without him, Ima marry me a beautiful hunny and have me a whole bunch of kids. Ima be a better father than he ever was, and I sure as hell don't need him for that. Cause there ain't a damn thing he could ever teach me about how to love my kids! How come he don't want me, man?"

Every single time I watch that scene I cry because I know that feeling. I've given myself that same speech so many times in my life that it's become a constant, running thought, especially when I'm around other people and their parents. And I always ALWAYS ask myself what I did to make them leave. It always ends with asking myself why am I not good enough? Could I be better? Will they love me and come back for me if I do things differently? 

And that's terrible. Those are such toxic thoughts to have. Because underneath those questions is the truth. That nothing that I could have done or can do will bring them back and wouldn't have made them stay. Yes, I still wonder why they gave me up, especially on lonely nights like tonight, but I've also learned that without them leaving I probably wouldn't have lived the life I've lived and I wouldn't be where I am today. 

Yes, it still hurts. Yes, I'm always going to wonder. But at the same time, would them staying make life any better? I know that there are many more people on this planet who find worth in my being, so I need to focus on that more than I focus on the one person who should have cared and didn't.