Random Thought Spill

1. Whenever I pass an ex's house or somewhere we used to go together, I get the urge to march up there and tell them how much better I'm doing now. I want them to see that I've become better since I've cut them out of my life. Look at me, accomplishing things I could never do with you. Look at me, challenging myself, facing my fears, finding myself.

2. I always thought that by this point in my life I would be farther along into a career, teaching kids about books and proper sentence structure, while becoming an actress on the side. Now that I'm here and I'm a bank teller and not a teacher, I can say that not accomplishing your dream isn't as bad as you would think. But don't think I'm content with where I am in life. I'm going back to school. I will be a teacher. Don't worry. Never worry. Good enough isn't where I want to exist.

3. When I was younger I always sat in the window, silently waiting for my dad to come home. Now I never open the curtains. The light hurts my eyes.

4. I held my grandmothers hand when we went into the store until I was 14. I was terrified of the crowds. Now I'm 22 and I don't go to Wal-Mart without my boyfriend because the crowds are still there, but my bravery still hasn't appeared. 

5. Boys used to look at me like I was someone to help them grow as a person. Like they could one day say to a different girl "Yeah, I'm sensitive, you should have seen the girl I used to date. I used to hold her after every nightmare and flashback and I didn't even complain. Of course I can handle a few tears when your dog dies". Now I demand they look at me like I'm a force to be reckoned with. I'm more than a stepping stone. I am a destination. 

6. When I was in high school I just wanted to be popular. Now I just want people to appreciate me for who I am, and listen to my opinion. I really like being liked, though. 

7. Most of social media is a lie. I posted on Instagram today that a cupcake made my whole day better. It was a lie. I had a shit day. Most of my posts are like that. Most of your posts are probably like that. We try to have these lives that are effortless, perfect, snap-worthy. No one has a life like that. Yet here we all are, pretending, editing, filtering photos to present our lives in the best light.

8. Drinking hot coffee and/or tea while wearing a baggy sweater over some leggings is a fantastic way to spend an entire day. Or 7 days. Or forever. Why get out of bed, really? 

9. The whole "live authentically" movement is bullshit. If you're trying to do something for something's sake, you're not really doing that thing. You can't be authentic for authenticity's sake. It doesn't work that way. Don't be a poser. 

10. Being on stage alone with a single spotlight and only the orchestra to accompany you is a fantastic place to spend five minutes. Having the stage to yourself during a show is breathtaking. 

11. Sunrise, sunset. The two most beautiful realities in life.