In June, I didn't sleep for almost a month. I was far more depressed than I've been in ages, and I couldn't understand why. I still don't fully know why. I just know that the depression preceeded the insomnia, but the insomnia brought anxiety, and the total sum of these was a lot of missed work. And a lot of crying because I couldn't work. I gained a pant size and now I cry when I look in the mirror. I hate the way my hair looks, but I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll always just be an average looking person, not someone who commands attention just from the aura that surrounds them and their overall beauty. I guess I'll have to resort to relying on my brains to get ahead in the world. Pity.
I've recently realized that I'm going to be 25 and I'll have accomplished nothing of note. Most of my friends have graduated college, have amazing careers in fields they love, and while they don't have it ALL figured out, they have a lot of it down pat. I'd hoped by this time that I would be a teacher, making a difference in someone's life. Changing kids by being the amazing influence that my educators were. But I can't even dream of going to back to college right now. I always say "next year, this year I'm saving up money". The next year comes, the money isn't there, I'm still working jobs I hate dreaming of the only thing I've wanted to do since I was in the fifth grade.
Recently I may have indulged in a drink or two at one of my boyfriends shows and made an ass of myself. There was a lot of drama, I woke up embarrassed, and now I have a lot of work to do to repair my reputation. The main lesson I came away with was that I shouldn't drink Jaeger. While my boyfriend assures me we're going to be okay, and that people fight, and that yes, I was a giant b-word, but he forgives me, please stop apologizing, I'm still having a hard time forgiving myself for the scene I caused. My greatest fear is that he won't realize how grateful I am to have him in my life. How happy he makes me just by being around. And with one big argument, I kind of showed that I don't give two shits about what he does for me, even if that really isn't true.
I used to think that I had a lot of friends, and I thought that was really important. But the someone smart told me that "we have friends for a reason, and we have friends for a season", and that made a lot of sense. There are so many people in life that we are friends with just because we have to be around them frequently, and then there are those friends who are going to stick around even when they have no reason to. I suppose I've just gotten to that point in my life where my "friends for a reason" have slowly begun to fade out, and my "friends for a season" are showing me that they're going to stick around.
I want to get back in to performing, but I'm terrified of going up against the large scale talent that lives in the Seattle area. I'm just a girl from Omak who likes to play pretend. What if I'm rusty? What if I've always thought I was talented and it turns out I'm actually horrible? What if I actually get cast? There are so many possibilities that I get too anxious thinking about all the pros and cons of everything that could happen that I end up not going to any auditions, even if I'm really excited for them. But how am I supposed to get famous enough to be on Dancing With the Stars if I can't force myself to go sing 60 seconds of a song for a director?
These days I'm more questions than answers, more trainwreck than hot mess, and more stressed out than ever. I'll quit complaining now, I guess.
Alexis Olmstead is a 24 year old trying to cope with the gravity of turning 25, at which point it apparently "all goes downhill". When Alexis isn't working, watching her boyfriend perform with his band, or binge watching true crime shows, she enjoys reading, singing mediocrely, and playing an unhealthy amount of The Sims 3. For more random thoughts about nothing, letters from the road to mental health, and opinions on stuff you don't care about, check back often.
