Sunday, October 18, 2015
I would tell 13 year old me that its not her fault her clothes are too big and smell bad, its not her fault mom uses drugs, there's nothing we can do to stop her. I would tell her not to let that boy kiss her in
the stairwell, to raise her head high when that girl calls mom a crack whore. I would tell her that soon her days will shine a little brighter, but no matter what they say she doesn't deserve any of the horrid things she has to endure. This is not karma from a past life, this is not atonement for sins, this is a horrible sequence of events that she didn't get to choose. I would beg 13 year old me to ignore everyone that called her anorexic, it is a synonym for malnourished, not beautiful, you do not need to strive to hear it everyday.
Honestly there are so many moments where I wish I could tell myself to laugh louder, hug longer, speak up more. I wish 19 year old me kept her promise to call Carissa, because 22 year old me
remembers every cancelled coffee date as a regret, a chance to say "I love you, please don't leave me" one last time. Current Alexis wishes 13 year old Alexis told mom how much high school Alexis would need her. Fourteen year old Alexis should have ran back and said goodbye to Uncle Dean before she left for school that day. 22 year old Alexis misses her dad just as much as 20 year old Alexis playing Dorothy did, and just as much as 9 year old me missed him at every ballet recital and every play through the years.
We take so many things for granted.
I took so many things for granted.